Digital Stories

What kind of underwear do aliens wear?

With each passing year, we are privy to information that we’ve never had in the past. As new data is gathered and analyzed, our theories, hypotheses, and ideologies of yesterday are being questioned. We’re forced to learn that, as a collective, we have little to no information on anything beyond the ordinary.

There’s no harm in speculation. Curiosity is hard-wired into our DNA, and it’s natural to wonder what lies ahead. An endless universe is accompanied by extraterrestrial life. We can neither prove nor disprove their existence, but it does make us curious.

What kind of underwear do aliens wear?

Do they even need underwear?

How many underpants do they wear?

Before we make any assumptions, there are two possibilities. The first, the extraterrestrial lifeforms have superior technology, knowledge, and infrastructure compared to ours. The second, they’re lacking.

If they’re prehistoric, we know the underwear and the purpose it serves. It’s likely a piece of untanned leather from the exploits of last night’s kill draped over their baby-maker, or baby-makers, depending on how they procreate. It’s a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen. Eventually, they would learn and understand their planet over hundreds of generations. Let’s hope they don’t make the same mistakes we did.

In the other scenario, we know the general purpose of their underpants. As for the underwear itself, we can only speculate.

The fabric would be ultra-sustainable, probably made from straw, or bamboo, or even eucalyptus. Temperature and moisture regulation technology would be incorporated into the inner lining of the underwear. The strap holding everything together would monitor vitals, act as a portable hotspot, and make adjustments to support and comfort based on the activity. There’d be no reason to take the underwear off, period.

At present, our world is at an all-time low for fertility rate.  It’s well-known that wearing the wrong underwear negatively affects our chances of prolonging our species. The advanced civilization in question would have overcome this problem altogether. Depending on the individual, the temperature, pressure, and humidity are regulated to provide the optimum conditions for the surroundings. The next biological experiment has a high chance of success.

The underwear comes spec-ed out with active noise cancellation and fragrance aliasing for the days with a bean-heavy lunch. Being embarrassed in elevators would be a thing of the past.

During our generation, will we witness such advancements in underwear? Are we ever going to be as comfortable and supported as them? Unlikely. We take solace in the fact that, as a race, our underwear has never been softer, smoother, and as supportive as it currently is.

We are aliens to our ancestors, and our underwear is out of this world.

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